Prior to my grandpa ascending to heaven,he stays with me together with my grandma. I have always been very busy with my own surroundings and activities. We all walk, breathe, and sit around the house, but I was never really communicating with him. Occasionally he would ask me to take his cup of water. Occasionally he would ask me to help him turn on the Indonesian news so that he can watch. Even though we lived in the same roof, I never really felt we were living together, loving together.
It's really strange what I have been feeling these couple of weeks. Honestly, lately I have been feeling rather broken. Often times I rethink what is the point of living? Do I just live so I can get more scars on me? Why people around me are ignoring me? What is my purpose? Why I feel like I cannot do anything? While sitting on the bus, my eyes were only staring blankly on the floor...
It's difficult - I learned from my grandpa's passing away that while we live we should love so we won't regret, but at the same time we as people get tired. When we are tired, it's so hard to love. Sometimes I feel really disappointed with people around me: why do they treat me like this? why do they talk to me like this? why am I this bad? I want to be by myself... but I think it is possible either me or the other person on the horizon pass away anytime. Won't I regret not spending time, talking, caring, and loving this person?
Still really hard for me up to this day... my heart is not settled. But I have learned one thing: take the time, breathe and just erase - create a happy world of yourself. Once you feel better, invite this person to your happy world.. Initiate small positive words and talks and hug the person. Get better..